I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
