Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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