when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Even my vagina gasped.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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