I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Just invented taco cereal.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How does one acquire holy water?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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