I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Randomize
