remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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