Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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