I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
