It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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