I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
