mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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