I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
