No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
