go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
