I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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