I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
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