Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
