and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
whose parrot is this?
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Randomize
