Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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