The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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