shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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