Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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