Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Randomize
