So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
