He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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