i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
