I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
It's blow job season.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
