It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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