Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
