So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
