I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
