I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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