I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
Randomize