i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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