i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
