I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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