if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I have feelings that need drinking.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
