I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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