the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
