i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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