just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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