6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
