how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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