you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
