what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize