you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
