I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
