Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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