Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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