was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
