I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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