The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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