a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
