This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Randomize
