normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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