I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
we're so committed to being not committed
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
