Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
This is my gift to your gina
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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